What Ben Harris can do for you
My sister is pregnant. I’m going to assume it’s a boy, because that’s what I want it to be. Her husband favors the name Justin, but my sister would like to name the child after her grandfather, i.e. Ben or Benjamin. In order persuade one Vernon Jerome Harris that Ben is clearly the better name, I herewith submit the following analysis:
- Ben Harris will mow your lawn for you, with those perfect stripes that only landscapers seem to be able to make.
- Justin Harris will leave a flaming bag of poo on your doorstep.
- Ben Harris will get all As and graduate from school early and get a full scholarship to a prestigious private institution.
- Justin Harris will charm you into letting him cheat off of your test and get you in trouble. And then still not pass the test.
- Ben Harris won’t cuss unless he’s hanging out his Tia Keebs in which case she will make him say the word “shit.” But he will hate it, deep inside.
- Justin Harris will blackmail his Tia Keebs into buying him beer and then throw up in her car, on the front door, up the stairs, and on the cat. And then blame it on his aunt.
- Ben Harris will wash your dishes after you cook him dinner, if he isn’t actually cooking you dinner himself.
- Justin Harris will try to grope you on the couch and then leave the toilet seat up.
- Ben Harris will get a job during college and parlay his technical degree into a lucrative career and take care of his parents when they get old.
- Justin Harris will not.
- Ben Harris will have nice hands.
- Justin Harris will have “SUCK THIS” tattooed on his fingers.
- Ben Harris will dance with you at a club (and he will be able to dance!) but will keep a respectful distance.
- Justin Harris will grind his junk all up into your butt and you will leave the club pregnant with his offspring.
- Ben Harris will stop on the highway to help you change your tire and you won’t ever feel creeped out.
- Justin Harris will throw his cup of soda out of his car so it hits your windshield and you spin out and get into a three-car-pile-up.
- Ben Harris will be attractive.
- Justin Harris will have grody ass dreds.
- Justin Harris hates animals.
- Ben Harris speaks Spanish.
I’m going to feel super bad if they actually name the kid Justin.
